Shaun holds a grudge because his stress at work goes unrecognized! Shaun, the defensive listener, in this case is holding a grudge for exactly what Julie is trying to communicate: Julie complaining about work just reminds Shaun how angry he is about this.īut instead of explaining and communicating his anger, he just lashes out. He is very stressed about this and has held a grudge against Julie (and people in general) for many months. Imagine Shaun ( defensive listener) has been working hard and has more financial responsibility in this relationship. Shaun, defensive listener:"You always complain about everything." It is The first is that they hold a grudge against exactly what you are trying to communicate.Ĭonsider a situation such as Example 1With some background: There are two main reasons why your partner has a hard time listening defensively. But if this happens too often in your relationship, it can lead to this. Phil's 6 Rules for Speaking and Listening What is active listening with an example? Hearing Versus Listening: Key Differences, Meaning, and ExamplesĪs I mentioned before, every couple struggles with this problem to some degree. See Also can you say that again 5 Tips to Build Better Relationships Through Active Listening - dr. Stop blaming me!"ĭefensive listening means that your partner responds to something you say by dismissing it or attacking you for it. You are very needy."Ĭhloe tries to communicate: "I see you're upset about something. Shaun, Defensive Listener: "You always complain about everything."īrad tries to communicate: 'I really wish you would be more loving to me'Īnna, defensive listener: “I'm loving you. Julie tries to communicate: "Uhh, work was very stressful today" Therefore, before I give the definitions, I will first outline some examples of defensive listening in conversation: However, some concepts are best explained with examples. Examples of Defensive Listeningįully understanding what defensive listening really is will help you realize when it is happening and allow you to deal with it in a healthy way. In this blog post, I'll help you understand exactly what defensive listening is, why it happens, and what to do to make your partner really listen to you. If lately you have felt silenced and rejected by your partner, chances are that he or she struggles with defensive listening to a degree that is detrimental to your relationship.īut don't worry, there's a lot you can do about it! However, there are different intensities when it comes to defensive listening. To be honest, every couple has to deal with this issue to a greater or lesser extent. It is a type of miscommunication that causes many problems in relationships. If this happens to you, chances are your partner is having a hard time listening defensively. Have you ever tried to say something to your partner only to have them kill you, or worse, turn the conversation into a fight?
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